Love and Marriage

Me:  Did Superman get divorced?

Karate kid: No

Then why is kissing that girl?

Oh that...  That girl is "in their marriage" now

WTF does that mean?

Actually, I got drunk and well "you know" with her.  Then I went and got an STD test.  Superman overheard me telling someone that the test came back clean.  Next thing I know she's coming in here with superman and his wife...  Oh yeah.. and she's 17...

1973 Cadillac Hearse

Over a year ago I was approached by a member of one of the area mega-churches.  They had been storing some gym equipment for one of their members that was having some financial difficulty and the member had vanished.  They were paying $300 per month for a storage facility and if I donated to their fundraiser, they would give me all of the equipment.  the equipment was in decent shape so I figured that I could just clean it up and resell it when I had some time.  I posted an ad on Craigslist last week and wouldn't you know the original owner of the equipment resurfaced.

Are these the items I donated to the church?

Me:  We bought them from a storage unit.

Interested in a trade?

Me: What do you want to trade?

I have brand me Steel Flex gym equipment I have brand-new in a box Olympic Flat bench Olympic Incline Olympic decline flat/decline and also have a 1973 Cadillac hearse

Me:  Never responded... but am considering the hearse

Hire Tat's Wife??

So today Tat's wife calls and starts telling me her woes about Tat and Triple D and she has no place to live, blah, blah, blah...  As the conversation wore on, I had to cut her off...

I'm real good at the computer, maybe I could do some secretary stuff (with a fake southern acccent, she's from MD)

I'm real good with kids, I can work in the kids' club (same fake southern accent and should I remind her that DFACS doesn't think she's capable of having custody of her own kids)

I'm a people person, how about I can be the receptionist (same fake southern accent and have I mentioned the weapons charges?)

Ok, so, you'll keep me in mind in case anything comes up (same fake southern accent and have I mentioned we have a restraining order on her and she can't come within 100 ft. of the facility?)

Dentist... STAT!

Has anyone noticed Tat's teeth? 

Serena, those are meth teeth!  He's been back with Triple D and the rumor is she's in business again.

This is a FITNESS CENTER not a GENTLEMEN'S CLUB

Hi,

I came in on Monday with an intent to locate a personal trainer and sign up for membership.

Your female trainer has not called me and your staff was not helpful nor prepared to encourage my joining.

You could sign up a lot more members if you worked on how prospective customers are handled.

I won't join your gym now and I have no desire to work with that trainer. If you want to improve and can take honest feedback then feel free to call me.

Kind regards, 

(SuperObese, Sweating Profusely, Creepy Guy)

Since I make it a habitat to respond to everyone, I have included my response below. Above is the actual original email - without his actual name of course. 
(Note:  He has not taken me up on my offer for a free training session and fitness evaluation.  I did research that strip clubs in the area may cost more than a 30 minute session with a "hot"  female trainer.)


We strive to encourage potential members to join because they truly want to improve their level of health and fitness.  The best thing we can do is provide you with the best options to get you to your goal the quickest. Our female trainer has specialized in training females and she is not suited to train a male client. Men will typically lift heavier weights and as a business owner, I need trainers to be able to spot their clients without injury to the client or to themselves. So it seemed we were at a crossroads in proceeding because a male trainer is best suited for your training and goal accomplishment and you specifically requested a "hot" female trainer. We would like to have your business but not at the expense of potential injury to my staff. If you would like to reconsider, I'm quite sure any of our male trainers would be happy to provide you with a complimentary training session and fitness evaluation.

Thank you for your consideration.

Serena

TRANSLATION:  YOU ARE REALLY EFFING CREEPY... GO GAWK SOMEWHERE ELSE!

Locked In

Actual text from member:

I know you are on vacation but Tat's kids are locked in his truck and it's 90 degrees!  I wanted to let you know because another member is about to call 911.

I don't even know how to respond.  Oh look at that, I just lost my signal...

Monkey Joe's or Athletic Club?

48 hours later I'm 3,000 miles away and I start to receive emails and texts asking me why there are kids climbing all over the gym equipment and something about toilet paper in the womens locker room...

Hey, It's Serena.  What's going on there?
Staff:  What do you mean? I thought you were in Alaska?
I am, but I am receiving weird messages about there being kids climbing all over the gym equipment.

Staff:  Ohhh... Yeah... Tat has been bringing his kids with him since you left.  Besides being in the gym, all over the equipment, the daughter toilet papered the womens' locker room and pumped out all of the soap, shampoo & conditioner and smeared it all over the mirrors and the lockers.  I've also heard that someone saw her going to the bathroom on the carpeted floor of the locker room.

Is Tat there?  Put him on the phone. NOW!

Tat: Hi Serena!  How's your vacation?

Well, it would be better if your kids were in the kids' club and not destroying my gym.  Seriously Tat, GET IT TOGETHER!  If those kids cannot stay in the kids' club they cannot come to work with you.  I do not want to hear one more thing about this while I'm on vacation.  And you can either clean up the womens' locker room yourself or you can call the cleaning lady and have her come in today and pay her yourself to clean up your daughter's mess. 

Tat:  I asked my daughter about it and she said she didn't do it. 

Half a dozen people saw her doing it and then called me.  She's lying to you.  Clean it up and keep her and your son in the kids' club.

"You think you know EVERYTHING!"

Me:  I know you leave everyday at 12:30 and I'm paying you to be here until 2. 

Mean Lady:  (long silence with a shocked expression on her face)

Me:  So what's it going to be?  Do you want to part ways and I'll still be a reference for you?  Do you want to stay and going forward try not to offend children and their parents?  I'd like you to be here the entire time that you are writing on your timesheets.

Mean Lady:  Maybe if you would talk to your employees, you would actually know what is going on.

Me:  That's what I thought we were doing right now.  My issue is that two people have cancelled their memberships because "Mean Lady does not get along with my kids" and "Mean Lady seemed very annoyed that I brought my child in and he was the only one there, almost like she was trying to get rid of us because she had somewhere to be."  I checked their log ins and they were both getting here around noon, so I'm guessing that their perception was dead on.  If they worked out for an hour when they got here at 12, you would not be able to sneak out at 12:30.

Mean Lady:  You think you know EVERYTHING!  I'm done.

I can't believe you fired...

Well. first off I didn't fire her. She's on probation for reasons that I'm quite sure she would not like me to share with members.

Member: She just walked into the gym crying hysterically, saying that you had fired her.

Me: I just told you that I did not fire her. But I'm considering changing my mind because after I put her on probation for one week, she ran to the first member that would listen and started gossiping.

Member (shouting): You don't know what you're doing, she's great!!! The men at the gym don't like her because they're all pumped up on steroids and their "roid rage" makes them hate her. Blah, Blah, Blah... More shouting...

Me: Do you have a couple of minutes? Sit down. I don't feel comfortable sharing everything but let me give you a "glimpse" into my world... Members quitting becasue of bar fights, empty liquor bottles in the trash, disappearing acts, smoky!!, ...

Member: Oh, yeah... I guess I didn't look at the big picture. I think I'll get back to my workout.

Affair or Serial Killer?

So every day at 11:20 am, a member scans in (fully dressed in a suit and tie) and sits on the leg extension machine (not using it, just sitting) for about 10 minutes. Then he disappears??

Before we start, I'd like to say...

Tis the season in the gym business, so today was our first sales meeting. Yes, I know, it's the 12th of January. Today was the first day that everyone could get together, mainly because one person took off 2 weeks that turned into 3 weeks and didn't return to work until 1/6/2012. So when she stood up at the beginning of the meeting, I thought she was going to finish with "Thank you all for covering for me while I was gone. It was really nice to spend time with my family over the holidays and I didn't plan on getting snowed in up north." Instead she said "tomorrow is my last day." I said "What happened? Did you get another job? Again?" (Last time she quit for a job that literally did not exist.) "I applied for a part time personal training position at the competitor and they liked me so much, they want me to start Monday." "Okay, well... then TODAY is your last day. "

The Bar Fight

Member: Serena, we need to cancel our membership.
Me: Why? You and your wife are regulars, you come here everyday.
Member: Well... Something happened that really doesn't involve the gym, but still makes us uncomfortable to be there.
Me: That's cryptic. Can you please just tell me what is going on??
Member: My wife and I were out having drinks and we saw "the cleaner." She had her grandson in the bar with her and then she proceeded to start a fight with me. She was drunk and nuts. We love the gym, but really don't want to see "the cleaner."

Tat gets sole custody

Me: Tat, I just had three of your female clients call/text me and ask for refunds because they don't want to train with you. Did you send out that email that I told you NOT to send?
Tat: Yes. I was just trying to explain what has been going with me.
Me: These are your clients, not your friends. Do you realize you sent a "poor me" "I'm a single dad" email out to your clients who are mostly single mothers?? They think you're an *&^$ing idiot! (Their words)

Snake Charmer?

Me: What's with the cobra at the front desk? I don't understand why there is a snake statue on the front counter??
Manager: It's Tat's.
Me: Okay. WHY is it on the FRONT counter, greeting people when they come in the door?
Manager: Something about it's his nickname...
Me: I'm seeing a couple of options... 1) You go remove the snake OR 2) I go tell Tat to get the snake out of here and then I fire you because I'm doing your job.

The Cleaner

With a little detective work, I've solved the mystery about the liquor bottles. It's the cleaning lady! She has cocktails while she watches the ABC soaps in the womens locker room all afternoon. She hasn't tried smoking in the girls room yet, but she has moved her smoking circle to just outside the emergency exit leaving a big pile of ciagarette butts. Hmmm, you think the cleaning lady would clean those up?? I have to do some research on how to fire a smoky, drunk...

Googling - Good or Bad?

Tat's wife has been blogging...

TAT CHEATS ON WIFE & 10 CHILDREN WITH METH HEAD, OTHERS

Getting A Divorce
I haven't been here in a while. Wasn't allowed to associate with fellow White Nationalist while Tat was in my home. We split on March 27th, 2010 when I caught him out with his married girl friend D. She's married with 3 kids and on probation for Crystal Meth, which Tat claims he didn't know. He has another girl about 2 months pregnant. Flew another around in his friends helicopter. "-----" was his married training partner that he had an affair with too. There are to many of them to name. This was my reward for waiting for him while he was in Federal Prison for Felon in Possession of a firearm. He was taken down for being a White Nationalist. I just wish they would of kept him. I refused to take him back after all the girls he's been with. I even took all the STD test known to mankind. I have the bruises and swelling to prove it. That was so embarrassing!!! I refuse to take him back, so he found out I was out with my daughter, so he went to another daughters home with the police and took my kids. My reward for not wanting him back. After this there is no chance in hell I will ever take him back. I'm a good mother and don't deserve this at all.

BLOG Comments: I had a feeling this guy was a dirtbag, never did buy into it when people were hyping him. I'll be looking for their appearance on the latest episodes of COPS. Maybe Jerry Springer will book them? Could we be so lucky?

I have a stalker!

Me: So let me get this straight. You left your keys in the car last night and today the keys were not in your car, so you used your spare keys?
OCD: Yes!! And when I went outside during my break my keys were in my parking space!! Has someone been calling about my hours? Asking about me?
Me: No. Let me just throw this out there... Maybe your keys were in the car and you didn't see them and when you got to work having used your spare keys to drive here, your actual keys fell out of the car and landed in the parking space.
OCD: No! It's a stalker. I think someone went into my car and took the keys then brought them here and left them next to my car after I went inside!!
Me: I really think you should calm down and consider my scenario. And just asking, why would you leave your keys in your unlocked car??

Proteini's?

Hey Everyone,

I've been seeing a lot of liquor bottles in the trash cans, mostly the trash cans in the womens' locker room. I find this odd since we are a health club. Anyone know what's going on?

Serena

Superman is voted off the island

On Nov 7, 2011, at 12:15 PM, Serena wrote:

Please hold of on that decision for a day or so. I haven't had a chance to speak with Superman but am going to ask him to find another gym for a number of reasons.
Thanks, Serena



On Nov 7, 2011, at 12:10 PM, Kryptonite wrote:

Serena,

After our discussion Friday I thought more about the situation over the weekend, and because life is just too short have decided to leave the gym and request the balance of the membership charges from Dec to April for myself and my wife be canceled. It is just not worth it to me to be in the same gym that Superman works out in. I have no reason to think his behavior will change and do not want to feel my security and well being is in jeopardy because of another member. I also think that people like him, even if you talk to him, will not change. There is always a risk to my personal safety when he is in the gym the same time that I am. Anyone of his physical size and fitness that feels the need to bully a senior citizen is someone I just don't need to be around or run the risk he will "go off" again. So let me know if you want my membership ID tags back or if there is anything else I should do. I expect the November monthly membership charge to be processed but request there be no more monthly charges after that. I am sorry it has to come to this. But Superman wants to treat your gym as his personal gym and there is enough evidence now that his behavior and actions show he is a threat to other members. So I appreciate your efforts to run the gym in a professional manner. I can just no longer be a member.

SUPER Wedding

A picture is worth a thousand words...

Yes, that's a black spandex Superman costume.