Love and Marriage

Me:  Did Superman get divorced?

Karate kid: No

Then why is kissing that girl?

Oh that...  That girl is "in their marriage" now

WTF does that mean?

Actually, I got drunk and well "you know" with her.  Then I went and got an STD test.  Superman overheard me telling someone that the test came back clean.  Next thing I know she's coming in here with superman and his wife...  Oh yeah.. and she's 17...

Hire Tat's Wife??

So today Tat's wife calls and starts telling me her woes about Tat and Triple D and she has no place to live, blah, blah, blah...  As the conversation wore on, I had to cut her off...

I'm real good at the computer, maybe I could do some secretary stuff (with a fake southern acccent, she's from MD)

I'm real good with kids, I can work in the kids' club (same fake southern accent and should I remind her that DFACS doesn't think she's capable of having custody of her own kids)

I'm a people person, how about I can be the receptionist (same fake southern accent and have I mentioned the weapons charges?)

Ok, so, you'll keep me in mind in case anything comes up (same fake southern accent and have I mentioned we have a restraining order on her and she can't come within 100 ft. of the facility?)

Dentist... STAT!

Has anyone noticed Tat's teeth? 

Serena, those are meth teeth!  He's been back with Triple D and the rumor is she's in business again.

Monkey Joe's or Athletic Club?

48 hours later I'm 3,000 miles away and I start to receive emails and texts asking me why there are kids climbing all over the gym equipment and something about toilet paper in the womens locker room...

Hey, It's Serena.  What's going on there?
Staff:  What do you mean? I thought you were in Alaska?
I am, but I am receiving weird messages about there being kids climbing all over the gym equipment.

Staff:  Ohhh... Yeah... Tat has been bringing his kids with him since you left.  Besides being in the gym, all over the equipment, the daughter toilet papered the womens' locker room and pumped out all of the soap, shampoo & conditioner and smeared it all over the mirrors and the lockers.  I've also heard that someone saw her going to the bathroom on the carpeted floor of the locker room.

Is Tat there?  Put him on the phone. NOW!

Tat: Hi Serena!  How's your vacation?

Well, it would be better if your kids were in the kids' club and not destroying my gym.  Seriously Tat, GET IT TOGETHER!  If those kids cannot stay in the kids' club they cannot come to work with you.  I do not want to hear one more thing about this while I'm on vacation.  And you can either clean up the womens' locker room yourself or you can call the cleaning lady and have her come in today and pay her yourself to clean up your daughter's mess. 

Tat:  I asked my daughter about it and she said she didn't do it. 

Half a dozen people saw her doing it and then called me.  She's lying to you.  Clean it up and keep her and your son in the kids' club.

I can't believe you fired...

Well. first off I didn't fire her. She's on probation for reasons that I'm quite sure she would not like me to share with members.

Member: She just walked into the gym crying hysterically, saying that you had fired her.

Me: I just told you that I did not fire her. But I'm considering changing my mind because after I put her on probation for one week, she ran to the first member that would listen and started gossiping.

Member (shouting): You don't know what you're doing, she's great!!! The men at the gym don't like her because they're all pumped up on steroids and their "roid rage" makes them hate her. Blah, Blah, Blah... More shouting...

Me: Do you have a couple of minutes? Sit down. I don't feel comfortable sharing everything but let me give you a "glimpse" into my world... Members quitting becasue of bar fights, empty liquor bottles in the trash, disappearing acts, smoky!!, ...

Member: Oh, yeah... I guess I didn't look at the big picture. I think I'll get back to my workout.

Affair or Serial Killer?

So every day at 11:20 am, a member scans in (fully dressed in a suit and tie) and sits on the leg extension machine (not using it, just sitting) for about 10 minutes. Then he disappears??

Before we start, I'd like to say...

Tis the season in the gym business, so today was our first sales meeting. Yes, I know, it's the 12th of January. Today was the first day that everyone could get together, mainly because one person took off 2 weeks that turned into 3 weeks and didn't return to work until 1/6/2012. So when she stood up at the beginning of the meeting, I thought she was going to finish with "Thank you all for covering for me while I was gone. It was really nice to spend time with my family over the holidays and I didn't plan on getting snowed in up north." Instead she said "tomorrow is my last day." I said "What happened? Did you get another job? Again?" (Last time she quit for a job that literally did not exist.) "I applied for a part time personal training position at the competitor and they liked me so much, they want me to start Monday." "Okay, well... then TODAY is your last day. "

The Bar Fight

Member: Serena, we need to cancel our membership.
Me: Why? You and your wife are regulars, you come here everyday.
Member: Well... Something happened that really doesn't involve the gym, but still makes us uncomfortable to be there.
Me: That's cryptic. Can you please just tell me what is going on??
Member: My wife and I were out having drinks and we saw "the cleaner." She had her grandson in the bar with her and then she proceeded to start a fight with me. She was drunk and nuts. We love the gym, but really don't want to see "the cleaner."

Snake Charmer?

Me: What's with the cobra at the front desk? I don't understand why there is a snake statue on the front counter??
Manager: It's Tat's.
Me: Okay. WHY is it on the FRONT counter, greeting people when they come in the door?
Manager: Something about it's his nickname...
Me: I'm seeing a couple of options... 1) You go remove the snake OR 2) I go tell Tat to get the snake out of here and then I fire you because I'm doing your job.

The Cleaner

With a little detective work, I've solved the mystery about the liquor bottles. It's the cleaning lady! She has cocktails while she watches the ABC soaps in the womens locker room all afternoon. She hasn't tried smoking in the girls room yet, but she has moved her smoking circle to just outside the emergency exit leaving a big pile of ciagarette butts. Hmmm, you think the cleaning lady would clean those up?? I have to do some research on how to fire a smoky, drunk...

I have a stalker!

Me: So let me get this straight. You left your keys in the car last night and today the keys were not in your car, so you used your spare keys?
OCD: Yes!! And when I went outside during my break my keys were in my parking space!! Has someone been calling about my hours? Asking about me?
Me: No. Let me just throw this out there... Maybe your keys were in the car and you didn't see them and when you got to work having used your spare keys to drive here, your actual keys fell out of the car and landed in the parking space.
OCD: No! It's a stalker. I think someone went into my car and took the keys then brought them here and left them next to my car after I went inside!!
Me: I really think you should calm down and consider my scenario. And just asking, why would you leave your keys in your unlocked car??

Proteini's?

Hey Everyone,

I've been seeing a lot of liquor bottles in the trash cans, mostly the trash cans in the womens' locker room. I find this odd since we are a health club. Anyone know what's going on?

Serena

Dear Kryp

Kryp,


Some things I cannot control. For example, I cannot force another human being to wash his hands. It's disgusting and gross, I agree. I can, however, follow him around with a can of Lysol and spray everything as soon as he has finished using it. Maybe some Superheroes are so powerful that they do no pass along germs ;)

Sincerely,

Serena

Slimy Superman

More from Kryptonite:

Serena,

I forgot to also mention that Superman does not wash his hands after using the facilities. Is there anything that you can do about this?

Thanks for your attention to this.

Superman vs. Kryptonite

On Nov 4, 2011, at 2:57 PM, "Kryptonite" wrote:

Serena,

My contact info is: Home -------- Mobile --------

As I mentioned today, I don't think Superman is really capable of understanding what courteous and respectful behavior is. Sooner or later he will have another run in with myself or some other member over some issue since he thinks your gym is his personal gym and he is the king of it while he is there. My preference is his membership be canceled so none of us have to deal with his antics anymore. As you said, vote him off the island. To that end I was serious today when I said I would pay the balance of his monthly contract for his dual membership. The person at the desk says that is something like $38 a month. It's worth it to me to have him out of the club. But as the business owner if you chose to let him retain his membership the next time I am in the club and he is there I would request you come up and address his behavior and what is expected of him while he is in the gym between all three of us. My expectation is that head cases like him might agree while you are talking eye to eye with him but it will only be a matter of time before he just goes off again. I hope the decision is to just be done with him and his antics so the rest of the membership can exercise without him around. I believe there are other members who will never talk to you about his behavior and just decide not to be a member while he is there.

Thanks for your time and consideration on this.

You may NOT be a grown up if...

your mommy keeps calling me because she's unhappy with your schedule.

No Check for Stifler

Has anyone seen the folding tables that were right there the day before Stifler left and went to breakfast?

You're FIRED!

So I get to the gym this morning and NO ONE is working?? About 20 minutes later, Stifler strolls in with a Chick-Fil-A bag.
Where were you?
Stifler: I was hungry so I went to get breakfast.
So you just left the gym unattended and open. Anyone could have just taken the computers, the supplements, the drinks...
Stifler: It's not really a big deal. Nothing got stolen.
YOU ARE FIRED.
Stifler: But my wife will kill me when she finds out I got fired from ANOTHER job.
NOT MY PROBLEM! GET OUT NOW! I'll mail your last check.

JOIN GYM OW

I saw this and thought I would do a little test to see if any of my employees noticed. It's been 12 days.

Can you say DFACS??

Tat, Where are you? You ran out of here like a bat out of hell!! Your 3 pm client is waiting.

I'm not going to make it back for awhile. The school called and wouldn't let my wife take the kids. The kids got in trouble today because they were falling asleep in class again. They told the counselor that their mom was waking them up at night and dragging them around following me and Triple D and Triple D's husband. So I get to the school and they won't let me stick the kids in corvette...

Your 3 pm drove the helicopter today, should I send him over to pick all of you up?