You might be a loser if...

you're over the age of 30 and your mommy is still paying for your gym membership.

We're going streaking!

Stupidity on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part...

So I thought it went without saying that an "incident report" or an "emergency" were serious.  Apparently I am now responsible for everyone's stupidity.  Why would you leave your wallet in an unlocked locker with cash in it?